Monday, April 12, 2010

Sometimes, I Sing in the Shower. Wanna see?

singing in shower

Let me set the stage for you: stand up shower, two tiled side walls, one glass wall, and a glass door. I step into the shower, and in walks

….

my toddler.

Actual conversation:

Little Bean:   Mommy, can I sit on the toilet and wait for you?

Carol:   Okay. But don’t—[Sighs. Too late.]—flush the toilet.

Little Bean:   Careful with that soap on your face.

Carol:   Of course I’ll be caref—S*it!

Little Bean:   What’sa matter, Mommy? Get soap in your eyes? [Opens shower door.]

Carol:   Erg, yes. [Reaches blindly for washcloth. Little Bean slams door on Carol’s fingers and Carol cries out.]

Little Bean:   That’s a bad word, you know.

Carol:   [Grunts to keep from screaming.]

Little Bean:   Hellooooo. Anybody home? Talk to me, lady.

Carol:    [Grits teeth, groaning. Squeezes aching finger.] Yes, I know. Don’t tell Daddy. And don’t  repeat it.

Little Bean:   What’sa peat-it?

Carol:   Nothing.  Just don’t say it again, okay?

Little Bean:   Careful with your toes.

Carol:   I always am.

Little Bean:   Don’t get soap stuck in them.

Carol:   That would be tragic. [Starts to sing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi.”]

Little Bean:   Mommy, don’t sing. That’s my favorite song. [Walks over to light switch. Laughs.] I turned the light off.

Carol:   [Feels for the shampoo not visible in the dark.] Yes, I see that.

Little Bean:   You can’t see now, can you?

Carol:   [Sighs.] Little Bean….

Little Bean:   Hahahaha! [Turns light back on.] Good morning!

Carol:   Hello.

Little Bean:   [Turns light off.] Night-night.

Carol:   [Sighs more loudly] ….

Little bean:  [Repeats light switch trick several more times.]

Carol:   Well,  that was fun. Why don’t you go watch Little Bear in Mommy’s bedroom?

Little Bean:   Kay. How come you’re washin’ your hair again?

Carol:   Cuz I always rinse and repeat.

Little Bean:   Ahhh. [Nods head, as if to say, “that makes sense.”] Can I use your lotion?

Carol:   I’d rather you— [Watches as Little Bean squirts lotion onto her palm.] Fine, dear. [Sighs.] Will you let me shower in peace now? [Turns around. Ignores Little Bean.]

Little Bean:   Look mommy, I did my hair!

Carol:   [Takes one look at Little Bean’s blonde curls plastered into place with greasy lotion, likely smelling now like she’d dipped her head into a vat of Japanese cherry blossoms; blinks several times; turns back around, squeezing eyes closed.]

Little Bean:   Look at me, Mommy! I’m wearing your bra thingy. This one’s my favorite.

Carol:   Oh. Gads, child. It doesn’t go on your head.

Little Bean:   But it looks good like this. [admires reflection in mirror; then wraps towel around herself] You like my dress?

Carol:   It’s lovely, dea—where you going? Wait, come back. [Watches as Little bean takes off with the only towel]

Little Bean:   [From the hallway] Gonna get a snack !

Carol:   [Imagines a chair pushed up to the fridge, milk on its side dripping on the floor, eggs cracked and gooping yolk.] Little Bean!! Little Bean!! Come back here!

[Eyes drift to the hand towel hanging over the sink

S*it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What? Did you expect a VLOG???? Pshaw….

Ever get tired of narrative? I thought about writing an entire book with just dialogue. And then I realized it would be a script (well, with a slightly altered format). BUT, as it turns out, this has been done before. Walter Dean Myers’ Monster was a script published as a YA book  in 1999 (which you should read, by the way).

Everybody steals my ideas before I think of them. How annoying.

Hey, guess what? I hit 250 bloggie friends. I’m thinking of holding a mini contest before my big one at 300. What should  I give as a prize? And please stop voting for ponies. They’re so hard to ship.

P.S. That is NOT me in the shower. That photo was found here.

70 comments:

  1. I don't have children who can reach the light switch...I do have a dog that occasionally pees on the only towel that has slipped to the floor or opens the cracked door when you are standing there naked...or likes to pull your clean(or dirty)clothes out of the bathroom and into the main parts of the house, or when you are in the bathtub, book propped, candles glowing, music playing props his cute little paws on the edge then before you can say no scrambles into the tub, freaks out when he realizes its water & scratches you until you bleed as he grips your shoulder in a catlike death grip until you are both out of the tub - in one inch water on the bathroom floor... (YES IT HAS ALL HAPPENED & I AM SURE SOME WILL REPEAT)

    I feel your pain in a variety of forms - I am just glad to hear that she only put lotion, could have been vaseline.....

    ;o)

    Visit My Kingdom Anytime

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  2. Bahahahaaaaa!

    All your male followers are like, "WTH? No vlog? Gah!"

    I mean, all your other male followers. 'Cause I certainly didn't think that. I'm pure as the driven snow, you know.

    Speaking of which, those asterisks don't fool me. I totally knew what you were saying.

    And Kate Beckinsale would be a good prize. Poke airholes in the box, is all. I think you have my address already.

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  3. I have so had that converstation in the shower with Monster Baby. Especially the toilet. She does it to me every time after I repeatedly beg her not to. And she's 5 now. I can't wait until she's a teenager when I get to do it to her. (Course I'd love to do it now but that just wouldn't be right.)

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  4. I,too, guessed the astrisks words! Does that mean I win something?

    This is such a compilation of the many showers I have attempted to take while my children run around. My favorite involves the kids in the bath, me in the shower (next to each other, don't call child services on me), and a certain lump of something brown suddenly appearing the bath. Uck.

    Michele
    SouthernCityMysteries

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  5. HAHAHAHA!
    Now i want to have kids!
    Luckily in my house, we have some sort of plumbing thing installed so flushing the toilet doesn't change the temperature of the water in the shower.
    Awesome.
    As for prizes, i have no idea. Maybe just a giftcard? or some sort of service?

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  6. That was really funny! I don't have any kids, so I have no idea what it's like. Thanks for the window into that world :)

    Ponies are hard to ship. I like jewerly :) and scarves.

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  7. Ha, I get close to the same thing from my toddlers, except they usually just laugh when I get in the shower.

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  8. LOL! I'm glad my daughter is past that stage...mostly. She still sticks stuff she shouldn't in her hair in an attempt to straighten her gorgeous blond curls. Why is no girl ever content with her hair??

    BTW, i have an award for you over on my blog. You probably already have it, but I couldn't resist cause you're just that awesome!

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  9. Okay, you said this was safe for work!! What you failed to mention was that reading this at work would cause me to laugh so hard that I shot tea out of my nose and caused people around me to look at me as though they *know* I'm not actually working - which, you know, I'm not. But still.

    *points and laughs at Carol running through the house with only a hand towel to dry on*

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  10. I loved this, Carol! I think I also LIVED this. Ha ha ha. :-)

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  11. Hahahahaaa! This is so great. I easily laugh and think Little Bean is adorable and charming since I don't have any children yet. And now I know to really enjoy my showers and clean kitchen- take nothing for granted- because sometime in the (FAR!) future I may not have a towel or remember what clean floors look like.

    So if ponies are out, I guess you won't ship a zebra either...

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  12. I laughed really hard reading this.

    Hah, and I have read Monster! Except I think I must have been only 11 or 12 when I read it, so I cannot for the life of me remember much about it. :-P

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  13. :) Love reading little snippets like this...you have a knack for shedding light on the humor of life. Be careful...I may come and steal Little Bean...she's so damn adorable.

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  14. Okay...thanks...I think I just pee'd myself a little bit. You are a card!!

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  15. Hahaha! I think maybe we need to be the ones sending you a prize after that experience. More towels for the bathroom perhaps? Oh my goodness! Kids can be hilarious at times! Just not at the time it's happnening... :D

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  16. Kids always know the very best times to arrive. My Sweetpea used to turn up in the dead of night and mark his arrival by sitting on my head - he called it Quick Wake - can't imagine why ;)

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  17. This was hilarious! I love writing dialogue too and have often thought that if I could I'd write a whole book in just dialogue. At the same time I like that I have to challenge myself with the description too.

    Jai

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  18. Hee! This brings back such memories. Good times, good times. :)

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  19. too funny! children are hilarious. my son dropped his pants the other day and peed on the gym floor. the hardwood, waxed, gym floor. And he always tries to wear my bra and say he's going to get 'things.'

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  20. I'm kind of glad my showers aren't that eventful. Hehe.

    Congratulations on all your followers!

    And hey, maybe the next great idea will come straight from your mind. I can imagine it. :o)

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  21. Too funny. Doesn't it make you want to have just one more?

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  22. Ohhh, I can sympathise. There should be Disaster Response Manuals for showering with a toddler on the loose.

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  23. You are too funny. So is Little Bean. Loved this.

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  24. How refreshing to read a script. It serves as a great balance with the other genres.

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  25. LOL! I love kids, don't you???

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  26. hahahahahaaaa

    this was hilarious!!

    loveddd it!! :D

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  27. Courtney, OMG, your fur baby sounds pretty much like a toddler, but with a shorter reach! Holy catfish. How adorable, but oh so inconvenient at times!

    Simon, you crack me up. You mean all my, like, 3--4? male followers? Haha. Sorry to disappoint...all the others.

    Monster baby...haha!! I think there's like a law or something that says you can't flush the toilet on them until they're at least old enough to catch you.

    Michele, OMG, ewwwwwww. But oh so funny!! You poor thing.

    Falen, you can borrow mine for a while. Ha!

    Aubrie, I am also a huge fan of jewelry and scarves!! I actually won a scarf in a blog contest. Well, actually, Courtney Barr had a contest where I won a wristlet and a book, but she sent a beautiful scarf with it just because!

    David, my daughter generally waits until I hurt myself to laugh at me. I'm not sure what's up with that.

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  28. Tina, I heart you, too, sweetness.

    Laurel, that is so sad!! My toddler's curls are so precious. I can only imagine how sad that makes you. But I understand it, though. I have naturally curly hair, too, but I straighten it. Still, it made me sad one day when Little Bean said she wanted her hair like her friend who had long hair. I told her, "but you do have long hair! It's just curly." And she said, "No, my hair isn't long. It's fuzzy."

    Sara, ditto, chickie. I hope you're making serious progress on Shattered. Don't forget to stop and eat. Send text me on occasion and let me know you're still alive ;)

    Rhonda, hahaha!! Just for pointing at me and laughing, you totally deserve to spit up your tea! Ha! Ok, you don't. But, oh man, you have no idea...fun times with a toddler. Wait, you have nieces and nephews, right? Perhaps, you have an idea then. Great fun, yeah? :P

    Shannon, and you have boys, don't you? I've heard they can be real handfuls!! Although, I can't imagine them being much more ornery than my Little Bean.

    Laura, yes yes yes!! Enjoy the luxury of a private shower and a clean home while you can. Now might also be a good time to buy yourself a zebra. I can't imagine all the trouble kids would get into with one of those around. But I would definitely consider giving one as a prize. If I could figure out bottle it and ship it to you.

    A, so glad to make you laugh. And Monster is a really sad courtroom drama about a 16 year old boy in prison. :( But it's a good book.

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  29. Sarah, thank you so much!! You are kind. And yes, Little Bean is quite charming and sweet, but omg, she does give me plenty of material for stories. My husband says she takes after me, but I don't remember ever being quite so ornery. *shifty eyes*

    Dean, so glad to be of service...wait...minus the pee part ;)

    Bish, thank you for the reminder. Sometimes, when experiencing such moments, it's easy to forget the joy. Ha!

    Nisa, That's a brilliant idea. A contest in which the winners send me a prize!!!! Oh my word. Pure genius! hehe. love it.

    Elaine, oh my word, that is too funny!! The quick wake! That sounds like Little Bean, too, although she's a little more humane. She just likes to get up really close to my face and wake me by clapping her hands and tapping my cheeks.

    Jai Joshi, oh gosh, I adore dialogue. I used to write plays just because I loved it so much. There's something about conveying a story primarily through the speech of your characters that seems really appealing.

    sarahjayne, ha!! So glad to take you back in time! ;)

    Tamara, oh my word, I don't know what I would've done with that. How shocking, but oh so cute. What did you do???

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  30. E. Elle, toddlers do make for eventful...everything. Every moment becomes an adventure. Ha!

    Kimberly, awww, any time!

    Robin, hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha!

    Wendy, that it is ;)

    Liza, aw, so glad! She's such a ham sometimes.

    Paul, I agree. I love dialogue!

    Merrilee, ha!! If only they had manuals for this sort of thing...or like emergency kits or something.

    Elizabeth, I think you have to or you'd go nutty in these situations! Haha!

    Tahereh, awww, thanks!! So glad you enjoyed it.

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  31. Wow. I don't have kids yet, but stories like that absolutely crack me up. And you have it documented so you can come back later and read and laugh! Memories in the making.

    As far as a prize goes, gift cards are always good! You can just email them too!

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  32. Here's what the conversation would have been like if the same thing happened in DL's bathroom with his son.

    Boo: Daddy, can I sit on the toilet and wait for you?

    DL: If your not out of here in three seconds I'm going to flush you down that toilet!!!

    :)

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  33. Funny story. The little ones always point out when we swear!

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  34. I love this! This is why we love our children right? right??? haha you're blog always brings a smile to my face.

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  35. Nyuk nyuk, that was a goodie. Rather than the toilet flush I have other people in my block trying to take showers at the same time and we are all connected. In the mornings it can be kinda of funny hearing screams from other apartments as someone nearby decides to use hot water for whatever reason.
    Now I sing in the shower and apart from the banshee wail of hot/cold/hot/cold I do produce quite a nice, almost mellifluous basso profundo.
    I also sing Johnny Cash songs.
    Don't worry about a pony. Send me a Clydesdale horse instead. You know, the really big ones, the tractor of the horse species.
    Nice post...

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  36. Kristin, you are so right!! I know someday I'll cherish these memories and use them to tease my daughter when her dad finally lets her go on her first date. I figure I have about thirty more years before that happens, though.

    DL, if you had my daughter, she still wouldn't listen to you. She'd just end up flushing the toilet once to freeze you and a second time to dump your watch.

    Theresa, that they do. Leave it to the little tykes to point out every single mistake. And then repeat it.

    Eva, ha! I think it's more like we love our children despite these things. Haha!! But I'm glad I could make you smile. :-)

    Dan, I'm struggling to imagine a a banshee producing a mellifluous basso profundo, but in my head, it comes out sounding a little ugly. Perhaps you can record that for us so we can hear for ourselves? As for the Clydesdale, I'm afraid the shops were fresh out. But I found a beautiful aubergine I could send you....

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  37. Had to break my unplugginess for a moment to visit your blog. I miss you already, too! *sniff*

    My conversation would be more like DL's. When my kids walk in, I immediately shout, "Out now." Yeah, I'm the mean mommy.

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  38. That was hilarious! It reminds me of my kids. Now I just lock the door. :)

    Thanks for commenting on my blog today!

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  39. This post was almost too close to home to be funny, but only almost. I actually laughed really hard. I'm with Amy. I now lock the door and try to sing loudly enough to cover the sound of little fists pounding on the door and a little voice shouting 'Unyock the dooh, Mommy!"

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  40. Melissa, you are so sweet! I hope your brief hiatus will help you make serious progress on your ms. As for the kiddos, sometimes I can be mean, too, especially when I'm writing!

    Amy, thank you!! I figured most parents could probably recognize a bit of themselves in this situation! And you're welcome. Thank you so much for you comment, and for your follow.

    Angie, Ha! I can imagine. I suppose at some point you just have to laugh though, or risk lunacy. Ha! But, oh man, I have heard the very same thing!! Sometimes, Little Bean will even poke her fingers under the door and say, "Let me in! Can you see my fingers?"

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  41. Thank god for the hand towel! That was hilarious. Since I've heard that some readers skip all exposition and read only dialogue you may be on to something big here. We're loving it!

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  42. That's hilarious! Your little one sounds so cute.

    Congrats on having so many followers!

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  43. LOL! In defence of little beans the world over (and because that sounds like something I did as a toddler) mornings can get soooo boring when you're a kid.

    Congrats on the followers!!

    In consideration of the fact ponies are expensive to ship I voted for books. If you make it books ABOUT ponies I might feel less hard done by :~)

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  44. ROTFL! Unfortunately, I know this feeling. Which is why it's so dang funny. My kids are getting old enough now that I can just say, "Go out until I'm out of the shower." Then I stay in there forever. :)

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  45. OMG that was hilarious - I could just see you in there. So sorry... LOL Can't wait to have a kid someday ;o) Congrats on the 250+ followers!! Woot Woot!

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  46. My daughter is past that age, but when she was that age, I handled it like DL.
    Out NOW.

    Congrats on 260+ followers!

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  47. Tricia, I just love dialogue! It's my favorite part of a book, but it's not easy to make it work. So much has to come through without description. I used to love writing plays as a kid. Gosh, I should try my hand at it again. Loads of fun.

    Talli, thank you!!

    Mia, I shall definitely consider giving away a book about ponies. That would definitely be...interesting ;)

    Elana, I wondered how many people would identify with this post. Kids can be so ornery. Thankfully, they tend to make up for it by also being loveable. Sometimes.

    Erica, it's funny how people who already have kids squirm reading this, and people who don't talk about now wanting kids. Hahaha!! I have a feeling you'll make a fabulous mama, and you won't care when they flush the toilet on you.

    Lola, ha! Sometimes I do, too. I think as parents we have so little privacy and time to ourselves. The bathroom should be a sanctuary of sorts. I have a friend whose bedroom is also off limits to her kids. They're not even allowed inside it.

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  48. Little Bean sounds like she has the super power of making others curse. It's quite a gift, you know. Oh, and I like her sense of lingerie style. I've often wanted to wear my bra on my head too. I just haven't quite had the nerve.

    Thanks for visiting my blog and the "follow." I've enjoyed my time here and now I'm in the mood for a shower.

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  49. I loved that conversation with your little one. And I think dialogue is great... I even use it in my poetry, sometimes. Can't help its appeal, and the fact that it gives a writer so much license.

    Thank you for stopping by my place, and for leaving your trail.

    Nevine

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  50. Thanks for the comment and taking the time to visit my blog. I love meeting new writer friends.

    Loved this post by the way. Kids are great aren't they.

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  51. Oh my, what an adorable and precocious little one you have! Loved the exchange between the two of you!

    Now am a follower of your blog. Can't wait to see what the giveaways look like when you hit the big 300. Are you sure you can't conjure up an agent or two? ;-)

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  52. That's funny, but the picture is kind of creepy.

    A contest--woo hoo.

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  53. My kid did that same light trick to me in the shower today! And he hid my towels.

    His favorite song is also Paparazzi. What is it with these toddlers and Lady Gaga? He hates The Wiggles & Raffi, but give him some Lady Gaga and a balloon & he'll dance all day.

    P.S. "What’sa peat-it?" SO cute.

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  54. Makes one think how serene a shower could be on most days. Most entertaining.

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  55. *snarf* Oh mah gor!!! LOCK THE DOOR!! But how could you resist cute Little Bean? She sounds precious...as long as *I* am not the one in the shower!

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  56. Love this! I've had SO many similar conversations!

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  57. Cute! I don't have kids so I need to live these stories vicariously through other people.

    Oh, and people steal my ideas all the time too. So frustrating. ;)

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  58. SO funny, Carol. You are the best. I love your blog. This particular post sounds so much like my life. Thanks for the laugh.

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  59. Love this post! I really should transcribe more of my conversations. It's so interesting to hear how people speak and how conversations really go down. I think I could read a whole book about shower interruptions. Start a series!

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  60. You guys are so sweet and kind and yummy all around. Thank you so much for your very kind comments. I had intended to comment individually, but I've been working on queries all day, and my eyes are officially quivering. But please know how grateful I am for the comments that you have left, and of course for your follows.

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  61. Too cool Carol. Enjoy these times. I can see the events unfolding as you write. You are the real deal when it comes to writing. Can't wait until your book comes out.

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  62. Aww, thank you Scott! I digs the encouragement. Thanks so much for checking out my blog, and for the follow!

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  63. Haha, so cute! I'm not a huge fan of showering with my daughter "free". I always picture her falling off the bed or getting tangled in the blind cords. It is NOT healthy. And I taught MONSTER to my reading class my first year out of school. We all loved it. Amazing.

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  64. I see why you have 282 followers over here. Your posts are clever, unique, and so funny. Nice job, Carolina. I'm adding you to my More Cool Blogs Blogroll.

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  65. Rofl!

    That was great. Maybe not for you, but it certainly made a good blog post for the rest of us to read ;)

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