Let me set the stage for you: stand up shower, two tiled side walls, one glass wall, and a glass door. I step into the shower, and in walks
Little Bean: Mommy, can I sit on the toilet and wait for you?
Carol: Okay. But don’t—[Sighs. Too late.]—flush the toilet.
Little Bean: Careful with that soap on your face.
Carol: Of course I’ll be caref—S*it!
Little Bean: What’sa matter, Mommy? Get soap in your eyes? [Opens shower door.]
Carol: Erg, yes. [Reaches blindly for washcloth. Little Bean slams door on Carol’s fingers and Carol cries out.]
Little Bean: That’s a bad word, you know.
Carol: [Grunts to keep from screaming.]
Little Bean: Hellooooo. Anybody home? Talk to me, lady.
Carol: [Grits teeth, groaning. Squeezes aching finger.] Yes, I know. Don’t tell Daddy. And don’t repeat it.
Little Bean: What’sa peat-it?
Carol: Nothing. Just don’t say it again, okay?
Little Bean: Careful with your toes.
Carol: I always am.
Little Bean: Don’t get soap stuck in them.
Carol: That would be tragic. [Starts to sing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi.”]
Little Bean: Mommy, don’t sing. That’s my favorite song. [Walks over to light switch. Laughs.] I turned the light off.
Carol: [Feels for the shampoo not visible in the dark.] Yes, I see that.
Little Bean: You can’t see now, can you?
Carol: [Sighs.] Little Bean….
Little Bean: Hahahaha! [Turns light back on.] Good morning!
Little Bean: [Turns light off.] Night-night.
Carol: [Sighs more loudly] ….
Little bean: [Repeats light switch trick several more times.]
Carol: Well, that was fun. Why don’t you go watch Little Bear in Mommy’s bedroom?
Little Bean: Kay. How come you’re washin’ your hair again?
Carol: Cuz I always rinse and repeat.
Little Bean: Ahhh. [Nods head, as if to say, “that makes sense.”] Can I use your lotion?
Carol: I’d rather you— [Watches as Little Bean squirts lotion onto her palm.] Fine, dear. [Sighs.] Will you let me shower in peace now? [Turns around. Ignores Little Bean.]
Little Bean: Look mommy, I did my hair!
Carol: [Takes one look at Little Bean’s blonde curls plastered into place with greasy lotion, likely smelling now like she’d dipped her head into a vat of Japanese cherry blossoms; blinks several times; turns back around, squeezing eyes closed.]
Little Bean: Look at me, Mommy! I’m wearing your bra thingy. This one’s my favorite.
Carol: Oh. Gads, child. It doesn’t go on your head.
Little Bean: But it looks good like this. [admires reflection in mirror; then wraps towel around herself] You like my dress?
Carol: It’s lovely, dea—where you going? Wait, come back. [Watches as Little bean takes off with the only towel]
Little Bean: [From the hallway] Gonna get a snack !
Carol: [Imagines a chair pushed up to the fridge, milk on its side dripping on the floor, eggs cracked and gooping yolk.] Little Bean!! Little Bean!! Come back here!
[Eyes drift to the hand towel hanging over the sink]
What? Did you expect a VLOG???? Pshaw….
Ever get tired of narrative? I thought about writing an entire book with just dialogue. And then I realized it would be a script (well, with a slightly altered format). BUT, as it turns out, this has been done before. Walter Dean Myers’ Monster was a script published as a YA book in 1999 (which you should read, by the way).
Everybody steals my ideas before I think of them. How annoying.
Hey, guess what? I hit 250 bloggie friends. I’m thinking of holding a mini contest before my big one at 300. What should I give as a prize? And please stop voting for ponies. They’re so hard to ship.
P.S. That is NOT me in the shower. That photo was found here.