Friday, April 23, 2010

This Is Not an X-rated Post

So, a while ago I was tagged by the adorable Kimberly Franklin to um, do this.

book boyfriend

Um, yeah.

If you can please peel your eyeballs away from the picture and take note of the title of the picture, you will understand that  1. this is not an X-rated post; 2. this actually almost sorta has something to do with writing; and 3. I will shamelessly entice you with alluring titles and pictures to get you to stop by.

And, oh yeah, I’m supposed to build my own Book Boyfriend. Here are the rules:

From the Gutter Girls: We all have our favourite book boyfriends and now you have the chance to create one just for yourself and your fantasies! How do you play? Fill out the quiz bellow, post a picture of sexy man and tag five (5) other book addicts to do the same. Don't forget to pop to their blogs as let them know they have been tagged! Once tagged... you have do do the same, grab the button, answer the questions, and keep it rolling! But don't forget the picture of the sexy man! It doesn't have to match your fantasy man, just a little eye candy for the rest of us... heheheee!

Now, contrary to what my header says, I actually live in a very realistic world and base a lot of my fictional characters on real people I have encountered in my life. So, I thought it would only be fitting to base my book boyfriend on all my ex-boyfriends. But please do not judge me for my past indiscretions. It’s taken me a long time to find the strength to post on my blog what is essentially a photographic journey through my heartbreak.

 

1. Hair color and style

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but these two pictures were actually all part of one picture. I cut them in half after Hugh broke up with me for working too much. Then I photoshopped my half to try and forget the hurt.

4060818873_24f0b76765

 laptop traveling_2

He does have such nice hair, and such a remarkable sense of style. How I do miss him. I have no idea how to dress myself.

2. Eye color and facial features

Okay, so it’s really difficult to see his eyes (green and gray with a hint of blue) in this sepia toned photo, but it’s the closest shot I had of Gerry. Although, truth be told, I should’ve burned this one. He actually sent me this one after I broke up with him because he refused to quit smoking. Go figure. That’s Gerry for you. So snarly sometimes.

gerard_butler_eyes

Snarly and really antagonistic, too. He sent this photo of me in the same envelope. I didn’t even know he had it, the wanker.

feeling good

3. Height and body type

Okay, so clearly I’m still a little obsessed with Gerry.  

butler31_jpg 

 cupcakes   

 

 

 

 

 

In this photo, I had just shooed Gerry out of the house so I could make some cupcakes for his birthday. But, here’s the thing. He didn’t go buy milk like I’d asked…he went to visit his ex-girlfriend. She’s the one who sent me the picture. I know, right? Still, he’s 6’2” of pure, raw manly goodness.

And I laced his cupcake with laxatives, so I was pretty sure he wouldn’t attempt a visit with his wicked ex Jennifer again.

 

4. Visible Age

Okay, so, I’ll be honest. Taylor was just a brief affair, like a few months ago (after his 18th birthday, thankyouverymuch). It was just too hard to keep it up much longer. I mean, really, the guy is so uber famous right now.  Like, for example, here we are on a spelunking trip. The paparazzi somehow got word of our travels and caught up with us as we exited the cave.

gallery_main-taylor-lautner-shirtle  carol

And just so you know, the whole shirtless thing? It’s totally as a favor to me—you know, a little thank you for the time we’ve spent together. So, in the future, when you see him take his shirt off, feel free to drop me a line of thanks.

5. Human or other

Yeah, the rumors are true. My boyfriends haven’t all been human. I mean, come on. If you’d had a chance with Edward, you would’ve dated a vampire, too. Butsookay, that relationship didn’t last all that long because I like my guys warm and a little more pliable. And yeah, okay, less sparkly. Still, I miss him sometimes,  even though he did try to drink my blood on occasion.

In this film publicity image released by Summit Entertainment, Robert Pattinson portrays Edward Cullen, left, and Kristen Stewart portrays Bella Swan in a scene from "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." (AP Photo/Summit Entertainment, Kimberley French)

 

6. Paranormal skills

Oh man, how I loved my affair with Colin. The guy’s a total dreamboat, and the things he can do with his hands…actually, it’s sort of one of his super powers. One touch, and BAM! I’m out cold. Yeah, so pretty much that relationship didn’t go much beyond us staring at one another because every time he touched me, we ended up looking like this. Tragic, really. By the time he figured out that latex gloves prevent this little problem, I’d already moved on to David.

ColinF-32  sleeping_cropped

 

7. Habitat

I think a beach setting would work well, wouldn’t you? This picture was taken the split second before I passed out from Colin’s touch. So, his supernatural talents really did come in handy sometimes. I’d been suffering from a two day insomnia spree at this point.

colin and carol

P.S. It was really cold on this day. I’m not really sure why Colin was so sweaty.

8. Interests

I’m not a huge fan of football, really, or even of sports in general, but that would never stop me from dating an athlete. I mean, seriously… I think a book boyfriend would most definitely have to be flexible athletic with a serious degree of stamina spirit.

david-beckham-mens-health-6    60987-david-beckham-637x0-1

P.S. See that blue smurf-looking mascot? That’s totally me in there. How do you think we met?

 9. Special skills

I’m pretty sure his special skill speaks for itself…considering, he didn’t even speak English. Still, I think this skill should have a name, don’t you think? I shall call it: holymotherofdrool

holy mother of drool 

He was my one and only ex boyfriend who didn’t break my heart. Some boyfriends are just like that, because, well, they’re not really boyfriends. They’re just there to serve a purpose and serve it well.

 

Ah, there you have it, my own personal book boyfriend made up of a compilation of my past boyfriends and one very friendly foreign dude.

And now, I will tag a few other people.

Sara McClung

Alexandra Shostak

Melissa at Chasing the Dream

Talli Roland

Amber Murphy

 

Try to keep it real, darlings, or I shall begin to think that all book boyfriends are nothing but mad flights of fantasy.

49 comments:

  1. Love that picture of you and Colin on the beach, what a cute couple you were! Too bad you crazy kids couldn't make it work.

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  2. This is by far one of the BEST posts EVAR!!! (stole the EVAR from Simon...)

    I am just... wowsers. Yeah....

    thanks Carol ;o)

    Visit My Blog Anytime

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  3. I beyond loved that. Such a creative way to go about this post. You are hilarious!

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  4. Oh, my goodness. Such drool-worthy boyfriends you've had. :) What a great post for a Friday.

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  5. LOL - Best "BYOB" post I've seen yet. And I may be the teeniest bit jealous... ;-)

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  6. Too funny. I need to go take a cold shower now. Thanks Carol.

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  7. This is fantastic. I just did one of these too but yours is so much better with the pics of you included.
    Nice thanks for the eye candy!

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  8. Okay, I'm mightily amused, m'dear. And not at all surprised.

    But somehow I get the feeling if a male blogger started a meme like this for book girlfriends he'd thought rather a pig. *sigh* The things we men have to endure in the blogosphere.

    I'm off to find pics of Kate Beckinsale, Charlotte Wessels, and Simone Simons to console myself. It's a hard life.

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  9. LOL, C... I'm dying laughing right now!!

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  10. Insane, woman, insane!

    (PS the last one looks like a character I wrote about years ago...scary!)

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  11. nice guy candy. thanks. i have some at my blog, too.

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  12. Where's Orlando bloom? He's not up there?!

    j/k

    :)

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  13. Omg! Total yum-fest! I can't wait to build mine ;)

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  14. LOL. You have had some very nice EX boyfriends!! Pardon me while I ogle them again. :D

    PS - I tagged you again on my site today, because you are just that awesome!! ;)

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  15. I love the photo in #7 - hilarious. And holymotherofdrool boy is the hottest person I have ever seen.

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  16. WHAT?! I knew something was wrong when Gerry ran to the corner store to get cigarettes and never came back... this is an outrage. I will be emailing you shortly with instructions for our teamed vengeance scheme - and the toilet scrubber will be in the mail. You know what to do with it, right?

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  17. Have to say I'm totally disappointed. When you said it wasn't x-rated I was disappointed at first but I remembered that none of your posts are x-rated so I was happy to read on. Then i was bombarded over and over with half naked dudes. So next time forget the x-rated warning and add a half naked dude warning.

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  18. So it WAS you I saw with Gerard on people.com!

    Lol, this post was awesome!!!

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  19. Sigh. That's it. Just sigh. And drool. There's a bit of drool on my keyboard. Sighing and drooling.

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  20. LOL :) You are hilarious my dear!! Love it :)

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  21. That was beyond fabuluous! So awesome! I'm sitting here in awe of you. ;)

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  22. Hilarious post! Thanks for the droolfest. :)

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  23. A nice selection.

    That last mystery man...holy frijole!

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  24. I do believe this was probably one of the most fun posts to write. Although, it was very sad, too. I mean, to rehash all the old memories. So sad that memory lane. Not a road I like to visit often.

    But thank you all for your lovely comments. So glad you enjoyed the post ;) In the event that some of you might have also dated the same men, I do apologize for posting photos of us together. I know how painful that can be. *sigh

    Simon, you are likely right. I considered tagging you, but thought that would just be cruel. I promise I won't get offended if you want to make your own book girlfriend. Go ahead. I dare you.

    Merrilee, we must be on the same wavelength. And I'm loving your brain for creating someone as fine as this babe.

    Aubrie, Orlando almost made the list, but unfortunately, he turned down my advances a few years back (he'd been making the final LOR film and was just too busy and only looking for a fling, and I was in total relationship mode), so we never had so much as a picture taken together.

    Sydnee, I knew you had my back. You are ever so awesome that way. I will anxiously await your instruction. Many thanks, dearheart.

    Christopher, point taken. I promise to add the half-naked dude warning next time around. Although, to be fair, I was not a prolific dater. I don't think I have enough exes to create another post.

    Laura, yes, yes, that was me. *sigh* I was hoping nobody would recognize me with those glasses and the panda hat on. Leave it to you to see through my disguise.

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  25. Cristin, thank you for your condolences. He truly was a sweetheart inside. He has such a reputation as a bad boy, but the truth is, it's the exact opposite. He really just wants to feel close to people, but poor Colin can't get close enough to even touch a poor girl without knocking her out cold. I fear he'll never find love.

    Courtney, so glad to be of service. I do believe you are the first to use "wowsers" on my blog. That is totally awesome.

    Eva, you are so sweet. But truly, just going for a dose of reality. So unlike me, really.

    sarahjayne, I hadn't even thought of that--I'm quite glad now I thought to post this today. Fridays deserve lovely boys.

    Kelly, you're most welcome, luv.

    Jamie D., I cracked up on BYOB. Can be taken so many ways, really. Hahahahaha. But thank you, dear.

    Robin, I still have the memories to keep me warm. But yes, I still need a cold shower some days.

    Christine, I will be sure to check yours out! I'm very curious about your ex boyfriends.

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  26. Frankie, why thank you, m'dear!

    Sara, I'm afraid I may not be good for you. First I rock your face off and now I am killing you with laughter. Oh boy. I feel like I should apologize. Although I feel the equal need to thank you. I am very torn.

    Michelle, oh yes!! I will check yours out, too. Boys boys boys. Yes!!

    Alexandra, I happen to know who your pics will be already, so I am equally excited for you to make yours ;)

    Kimberly, you are so sweet and adorable. Thanks so much for tagging me in this, and for tagging me again. Awwww...so kind. I'll be sure to stop by your blog and check it out.

    Kirsten, #7 was just a sweet photo for me. I remember that day very clearly. I had told Colin, just let me lay here. Maybe if I only touch you with my head, it'll be okay. But no, I had mere seconds to enjoy the feel of him before I was out. And yes, my little foreign dude is a truly beautiful specimen. I was completely awed by him. You should see him up close. I think I might have fainted a little.

    Rhonda, I am a prolific drooler. I keep a handkerchief on me at all times. Really, it's not as bad as it sounds. The gobs of drool keeps all but the kindest people away.

    Jemi, you are so sweet!! <3 <3

    Anissa, no need to be in awe, sweets. Pity me if anything, cuz I lost these dear boys.

    Susan, you are so kind. Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    Lola, holy frijole is exactomole. Exactly my thoughts ;)

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  27. Nice list o boyfriends. Seriously. *wipes drool off chin* ahem. Great post & great taste ;o)

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  28. Hi, Carolina! This was well worth me staying up 'til midnight to look at (hmmm...darn, I mean READ:). I posted an award for you tonight at Head in the Clouds. Hope you have a great weekend! Tory

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  29. This made me LAUGH!!!! Now I'm really glad I gave you an award because that post alone earned it. The award is on my blog for you.

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  30. AHAHAHAHA!
    So awesome.
    No thanks on the edward, but i had forgotten how much i used to love me some Colin

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  31. AHAHAHHAAH!!! That Gerry sounds like a slick one. Better keep an eye on him!

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  32. Wow I loved your take on this!!! Cracked me up!!!! You've met so many hot guys it's amazing!

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  33. Oh my gosh, this was so funny! I loved how you added yourself to the pictures. And I'm a Gerrard Butler fan as well!

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  34. Erica, sometimes I wonder how I ever let them go.

    Tory, oh yay! So glad you enjoyed it! I just stopped by your blog as well, just a bit ago! thanks so much! Have you ever seen so many exclamation points!

    Angie, you are so kind! I will go check it out. Thank you!

    Falen, that's alright. Not everybody can love rock the sparkly vampire.

    Julie, Gerry was a babe, but I should warn you--he's a player.

    Jen, thank you, m'dear. so glad you had a laugh ;)

    Morgan, :) thank you! It was fun. Isn't Gerry just a doll? A player, but a doll.

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  35. Oh, I loved this Carolina! Thanks so much for tagging me - finally; a chance to create my perfect man (other than manipulating my husband, of course!),

    Can't wait to do this. Happy weekend!

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  36. I enjoyed your blog. Very insightful
    Hope you will find blessings on mine
    Jesus Lives, Bob West
    http://westbob.blogspot.com/2010/04/line-upon-line.html

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  37. I agree with you on all your listings except for Colin Farrell. He's not my type.

    But Gerard Butler? Oh, yeah.

    Jai

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  38. Sweetheart, so many men, so little time!

    Love the pics and the post.

    You really are a scream!

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  39. Phwoarr, have mercy, that was a bit toooo much male eye candy for one blogpost!

    thanks for visiting my blog and becoming a follower! I agree with the 'Hermoine' from Harry Potter because I had a lot of kids asking me how to pronounce her name.

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  40. Talli, you are very welcome! So glad to be of service ;) Looking forward to what you come up with.

    Bob, um, thanks. Glad you thought so.

    Jai, it was the whole can't touch him thing wasn't it? I know, it sort of put a damper on things for me, too ;) (but Gerry? Oo la la)

    Wendy, ha! I do my best, luv!

    Ee Leen Lee,

    I know it! I could hardly contain myself just putting this post together ;) Sure was fun doing the research, though....

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  41. Fun post! Newsflash: The Phantom is mine! lol

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  42. I've forgotten the times I had to tell Cate Blanchett that she was married and that it wouldn't work out between us. Ah, it's hard to keep ZERO in my head.

    And Megan Fox. {Shakes his head.} Sigh. I told her that long distance relationships just don't work out. Long distance as from her in L.A. and me in Fantasyland.

    And then, there's Angelina Jolie ... well, any woman that good-looking who would go out with Billy Bob Thorton ... maybe. Yeah, like what does Brad have that I don't have? Ah, besides chiseled good-looks, world acclaim, and millions of dollars. Oh, yeah, but besides that?

    Ah, you see, we male writers are dreamers too. Roland

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  43. Okay, um, best book boyfriend post EVER.

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  44. I recognized most of the men except the one under Special Skills.

    I enjoyed the pics and post very much. :D

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  45. Maybe I should follow you too... linked here from my hubby's blog! HA!

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  46. Carolina, I was sent to your blog and told to ask about your love of peanut butter. I don't know what that is all about, but I'm bringing some strawberry jam, too. Yum, yum. Maybe a picnic?

    Wally

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  47. Thank you so much for all your kind comments! I appreciate all of you stopping by and checking out my silliness.

    Walter, I can only assume you mean Wendy ;) She's a sweetheart. P.S. I prefer raspberry jam.

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