Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Burp Now!

I will never forget the day I got "the call."

I knew she would be calling--about 4, I think. Or was it six? Alright. FINE. I forget some things. But I remember getting my list of questions all ready to go, the ones my friend J had sent me. I got myself a bottle of Coke Zero, some paper, and two pens in case I wrote so much that one ran out. Or maybe one would end up not working or snap in my massive monkey paw. And I sat down on my daughter's bed--I'm not sure why except perhaps that was the only bed made that day. Grabbed the house phone and my cell phone and planted myself on top of the comforter a full twenty minutes before our scheduled time. In case she called early, see.

I was jittery. Could hardly sit still. So I sat there playing with my feet, just cuz. Banged my head on the headboard a few times. Sang a 30 Seconds to Mars song. Searrrrrrrch annnnnd Destrooooooooy. Chewed on my pen. Broke the little dangly thing on the pen cap. Drew little hearts all around my list of questions.

Then my husband came home from work, peeked in the room: "Did she call yet?"

And I freaked: GET OUT! SHE HASN'T CALLED YET! YOU'RE GONNA FOUL UP MY MOJO!

Okay, it was a little less disturbing than that. Possibly. But that's how I remember it.

Hubs quietly slipped out, muttering something about neuroses and hug therapy.

Then I proceeded to drink an entire bottle of Coke Zero. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.

Then I texted my mom and a friend something like: "Oh crap. I just tanked down an entire bottle of Coke Zero. What if I burp on the phone!!!!"

Then they pretty much texted back: BURP NOW!

So I forced out a good burp or two. Felt better, but still worried. I knew there was at least one more good one in there. I chewed off a nail (not on my toes), and then the phone rang.

Cleared the throat. "Hell--hello?"

"Hi. Carolina? This is Vickie Motter."

Okay, so the hellos were possibly not exactly like that. I might have said, like Hi. Or maybe Hey there. Probably not. But something like that. And then Vickie asked me how I was doing, and I said, "Nervous," and she kind of laughed a little, and reassured me that it was normal.

And then holy mother&#@%!@$ $#!@. I did the unthinkable.

I proceeded to tell Vickie about needing to burp. How I had just texted my mom and friend that I tanked down Coke Zero and they texted back BURP NOW, and that I was terrified I would burp in her ear.

Cue awkward laughter (Vickie). Gasp (me). Soooooo.

Yeah.

And then we talked. For like, I don't know. An hour? About my work, work we both love (which, dude, we have very similar taste), plans for my career and stuff. And then at the end, like out of the blue, she says, "I'd like to offer you representation."

Crickets.

Choke on my saliva.

Then I say, "Um. Give me a sec."

Awkward laughter (Vickie). "Take your time." Or something like that.

In case of an emergency: Bend over. Tuck head between your knees. Try not to puke up Coke Zero.

So, I sputtered about something. I forget what now. Possibly something resembling a curse word, and then she asked me if I had any questions, and I said, "Well, I have a sheet of paper with a bunch of questions on it that my friend sent me," and then I slapped myself for being such a lame-ass to admit such a thing. And then I proceeded to ask her questions and every now and then I would mumble, "No sorry, that was a stupid question. Bad question!" and move on to the next good one.

Yeah.

That was my introduction to Vickie.

And she offered anyway. Didn't even rescind. And when I sent her the signed contract, she sent me one with her signature and everything. All legal and stuff.

Lesson is?

Be your lame-ass self. The right people will value you anyway.

 

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Ohhhhh, I switched to using my domain. Isn't it grown-up looking? Only problem is it didn't save all the old TWEET counts for each post. So, yeah. Not much I can do about it. Except tweet all my old posts again (Can we say douche?). I've considered just getting rid of the tweet button, but it is oh so convenient. Blerg.

68 comments:

  1. LOVE it!! You are so funny. Brutally honest. I have to admit, I do that a lot in weird situations, just blurt out whatever I'm thinking.

    This is a great story! Thanks for sharing ;o) *squeeeeeeeeeee* you have an agent!!! <3<3

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  2. ROTFL! I almost spit water everywhere when I read this! I can hear that conversation in my head. I think it's awesome that your 'self' shined through in the phone call, and Vickie still loved you! I knew she would. ;)

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  3. You are hysterical! So happy for you and it sounds like you and Vickie are perfect together :)

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  4. There is a good bit of audio on record of a tight-arsed BBC news reader woman beginning her bulletin with a deep, full-throated burp, so I wouldn't feel so bad!

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  5. This post made me want to burp.

    Also, you're hands down the most adorable nervous-on-the-phone writer, like, ever. Cuter than Neil Gaiman, even, and he's plenty nervous on the phone, let me tell you.

    Congratulations again, good lady! May you and Vickie live long, prosper, and ride off into the sunset together on mules made of money from your staggering novel sales!

    :D

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  6. Coke Zero when you're waiting for an important phone call? If I drank caffeine right then, I would have been too jumpy to sit still long enough to wait for the phone call. Caffeine does that to me - sounds like you can handle it though. Thanks for sharing your story!

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  7. I love it. Totally be your own awesome self! (Me? a big nerd? Yes, and loving it! LOL). I forgot a whole page of questions when Vickie called me and I had to email her with the rest.
    xoxo

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  8. You are hilarious! Hilarious. I can't wait to read your stories.

    Neuroses and hug therapy - sounds like my husband. :)

    Thanks for sharing!

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  9. Really, I can see the whole thing! If it had been me, I WOULD have burped, and I'd be sitting there crossing my legs too.

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  10. Awwww - but burping is good for you too (as is having an agent! LOL!).

    Take care
    x

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  11. That is so funny. And real. Love it!!
    I'm sure she appreciated the quirks along with your original writing!

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  12. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Congratulations (again). So exciting. I bet you're still pinching yourself. I would be!

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  13. I love these stories! I could listen to "The Call" stories all day long!
    Did you ask her to let you think it over for like a few days? I'd have to do that, just to calm down.
    And could you imagine if an agent called you without letting you know they were going to call first? FREAK OUT!

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  14. It looks TOTALLY grown up;) Love it. Even though you told me this story, I still ROFL! See, Carol, you have this thing with words...you're kind of awesome at using them;)

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  15. Oh, I loved this post. It was interesting to hear how an agent offers representation. And I smiloed at the burping thing, isn't that the truth that something like that always happens in the worst possible moments.

    I am so excited for you and I cannot wait to read your work.~Russo @ www.threegnomes.blogspot.com

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  16. I love that Coke Zero was right up there with pen and paper on your list of important things. It's my favorite drink in the world, and I'd have had a bottle with me too! Congrats to you and Vickie. :)

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  17. LOL!!!! I love this story, Carol :) I can so picture EVERYTHING you said. I'm so happy you've found such an amazing agent :) :) :)

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    xo

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  18. Hahahaha

    I love this.

    Also, I love how it confirms my theory on the Ideal Agent as someone who gets your work, gets you, and who you feel comfortable enough to discuss burping with.

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  19. LOL! I love you, Carol. And I love this story. XOXO

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  20. Haha, I loved this, Carol. You're so genuine; it's one of the things I love most about you.

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  21. Refreshing and fun! And I actually mean you, not Coke Zero. (Although it could also apply to Coke Zero. I don't know, I haven't had one.)

    Great story! Congrats again, Carol.

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  22. Oh man. I will be laughing about this for a long time.

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  23. Your honesty is so genuine. It's what I love about you most.

    Here's my truth: was this supposed to have me laughing and crying at the same time? Because it didn't. I swear.

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  24. What a wonderful heartwarming story! (And you didn't burp in her ear did you?)

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  25. Ha ha ha ha. This is the funniest agent story I've ever read. <3 you.

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  26. Dude, I totes loved you before, but after this, I love you WAY more. Best agent story I've ever read :)

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  27. Oh, man, you win! This is the best "The Call" anecdote EVAH!!

    I can so picture you with your head between your knees, trying not to burp into the phone.

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  28. i lovvvveee this!!! I probably wouldn't have worried about burping, but about needing to go the bathroom after chugging a bottle of coke. so funny. and real. thanks for sharing! :)

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  29. I <3 u. I agree with Marisa, best agent story ever! :)

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  30. LOL!!!! I LOVED this!!! What a fantastic story!!!

    Congrats again!!! I'm so excited for all the awesome stuff that's coming your way!! <3

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  31. What a great post and excellent advice x

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  32. Love this story Carol, and SO happy for you. Burp now. I'm gonna remember that...

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  33. Best. Call. Story. Ever. Just saying.

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  34. Hehehe. :)

    It could be worse. What if the Coke Zero made you HAVE to pee? Or, if right after you said hello you really DID burp?

    You'd still pull it off.

    Super duper big hugs and lots of love,
    Lola

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  35. Ha ha ha, you didn't tell me THAT part of the story! That is too funny. I love this post, especially what you said at the end about being yourself and the right people will value you anyway. SO true. <3

    Also, congrats on the domain! I need to do that someday I suppose... don't know how. Hmmm...

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  36. Such a great story--congrats again! :)

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  37. LOL That's a great story! If an agent ever calls me to talk, I probably would get so tongued tied that he/she would think that I can barely talk, how the heck could I write?

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  38. So pretty much feel much better about the whole agent search now! THANK YOU for sharing your story!!!! :-)

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  39. Thanks for sharing the imperfect parts of the conversation so the rest of us don't feel bad when we do the same. So excited for you.

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  40. God, I love this post. Thank you! I humiliated myself a dozen times during "the call." Now I realize it was probably expected. :)

    Congratulations again!

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  41. I'm so glad you were yourself! That way, you never have to wonder if you've revealed that weird part of yourself to your agent. YOU HAVE.

    Ha! I told my agent that I was a control freak. I wish I were kidding. :)

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  42. Congratulations… I am ecstatic for you.
    And thx for the advice, hopefully one day I’ll get to use it.

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  43. Carol, you are hilarious. Seriously. I love this post so much.

    I'm truly so happy you have made such a good agent match!

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  44. OMG, that is hilarious! You know? It's even better that your agent saw that side of you. What if you were prim and proper and she thought you were boring? See, now she knows you're not boring at all :D

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  45. Awww! What an adorable story. :) Thanks for sharing. It was so much fun to read.

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  46. What a great story. Thanks so much for sharing it, Carol, it does my poor desperately-wanting-that-call-but-terrified-of-getting-it heart good. Humor and agents are not mutually exclusive? Who knew!

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  47. Awesome story. And even more CONGRATS CAROL!!!!!

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  48. This sounds like something I would do/say. Thank you for sharing your story, burps and all.

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  49. Holy CRAP that was funny!
    I'm pretty sure that's why I don't drink soda.

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  50. That was PERFECT! You rock. Congrats again, and the lesson is exactly right. Be yourself!!

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  51. Sooo funny :D

    And congratulations on the contract :)

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  52. Thanks for sharing an honest and humorous moment in your career adventures. It's uplifting to see for so many of us new writers. I hope everything goes well with the book!

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  53. Hilarious! The only thing that would have made it better would have been if she burped into you ear.

    Jai

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  54. Everyone gets nervous on those calls, even the agents! And if you couldn't be yourself with her, then she wouldn't be the right agent for you :)

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  55. Such a marvelous story. It is important to be true to yourself and not try to be someone you aren't. You are right, people will respond to the true you no matter what.

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  56. OHMYGOD take out the Coke Zero/burp (which I know was a major part of the story, but still) and you just wrote my phone conversation before I signed with my agent.

    I had the paper with the list of stupid questions.

    And the pencil.

    But I spazzed out anyway and was nearly purple with nerves and awkwardness and excitement while we talked (for close to an hour and yay!) at the end she said the same thing.

    Now I feel like I should go pound a Coke Zero and burp.

    In solidarity or something.

    Loved your story. You are one real chick.

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  57. What a wonderful, wonderful story. Thanks for sharing this, Carolina! Reading it made ME want to give you representation - if I were an agent that is :) Congratulations again!

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  58. Hee! Hee! I love your honesty. And I agree: be yourself.

    P.S. - Congrats again! So exciting!!

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  59. Woo-hoo! Great story. She's lucky to have you.

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  60. LOL- I loved this! I can't imagine how nerve wracking 'the call' is but I'm sure most agents are used to writers going a little wacky.

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  61. You are an awesome story teller. Seriously, you are some kind of comedy genius. I LOVE your voice. Never change.

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  62. This is just so frickin' golden. I love it. If you can't be yourself it's a sign not to bother! And I agree with the people above me: she's (so) lucky to have you! :)

    And I dig the domain! Good idea. :)

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