Tuesday, May 8, 2012

May I Tell You Something About Me? [Explicit]

I rarely participate in blog challenges. Mostly because I'm overcommitted in my non-online life, so committing to anything online is a venture fraught with inevitable failure. Then I heard about Sara McClung's Blog Me Maybe blogfest and was entirely captivated by the "Maybe" aspect of it. Because that's pretty much my motto when it comes to blogging (Or lately, more like "probably not.") But now I feel like a toad since I signed up and haven't yet participated.

So...I've been thrashing my brain to come up with a post about me (since it's Tuesday and that's today's prompt). Actually there is something heartfelt I want to tell you. It might explain for you why I haven't been blogging much. But every time I've tried to write it, the words seemed all wrong on the page. So I will save that for a vlog, perhaps. The problem is every time I come up with something else to write, I nix the idea as too boring or stupid or wayyyy TMI. And with nothing left, I can only do what remains. Tell you something that is boring, stupid and TMI.

Okay, so.

I don't yet have any tattoos. No, that's not the TMI thing. But I made a rather cliched pact with the universe that when I publish a book I will get a tattoo. Still not the TMI thing. I don't really know what the tattoo will be. I have several books, see--so it depends which book publishes (first). Maybe it'll be a tattoo of a rose that starts with one petal, and every time I publish a new book, I add a petal (man, I'm clever). Or maybe it'll be a Chinese character that I think means "peace" but actually turns out to mean "broccoli." Or maybe it will actually be broccoli. Not sure.

But I'm thinking I'll put it somewhere less conspicuous so as not to freak out Moms o' Suburbia. Or my own mother. So, you know, not my cheek bones or my knuckles (not the first tattoo, anyway). I don't really want it to be on my lower back either, or anywhere on my backside, because then I have to look in the mirror to see it. I don't want it on my feet, because ouch. So, I've decided it will go...dun dun dunnnnnn...

Yeah, I can't tell you. So I'll tell you something else.

When people really tick me off for being jackholes, I try very hard not to get visibly angry. Not always easy (such as the time I really let a lifeguard have it for asking my kiddo to get out of the pool so she could take a fifteen minute break after she'd spent the last hour on her cell phone while simultaneously plowing down Cheese-Its), but usually I manage. I'll smile, even, and tell you to have a nice day. And then I'll thank you very much in a garbled, less than intelligible way that is remarkably satisfying for me and won't have me hauled off to jail for yanking your ears off your face. I learned this trick from Lily Allen, actually--from a song of hers. I'd post it for you, but it's a bit (a lot) explicit and this is a pg-13 blog.

But I will post the link to the video. Just because I think we all need to learn this trick. And we all need a happy song we can listen to after a jackhole encounter.

F#$% You Very Much by Lily Allen*

You're welcome.

*It is very explicit. If you don't like bad words, skip the link.


  1. I freaked my mum out with my first and only tattoo (I was 17) - so funny! She went straight to my older sister's workplace to accuse her of putting such ideas in my head! LOL!!

    Good for you for telling that bad lifeguard off!

    Take care

  2. My mom would totally freak out if I got a tattoo. I might too. I don't want my daughter to get one so I won't either.

    So curious about what you have to tell us. And you always post interesting stuff so don't worry about it. Hoping you'll be posting more.

  3. I love that song!!

    Go you and your soon-to-be tat! I have one tattoo (big but discreetly hidden) but when I get published, I def. plan on getting that cliched commemorative tat. But then, I'm a tattoo nut and I'd LOVE to be covered in the things, so I'll have to go and publish a lot. :D

  4. The song cracked me up, but that piano melody reminded me of The Carpenters "Close to You." Showing my age here!

    I've wanted a couple tattoos, but it's so darn permanent.

  5. My mom wants to GET a tattoo for her fifty-fourth birthday. Yeah. I used to be really passive aggressive when I lived in the US. But living in France has taught me to be openly aggressive when the need be. It's seriously a dog-eat-dog world in the parisian suburbs. I've seen people insult eachother over a place in line at the grocery store.

  6. I have 6 tattoos, all easy to hide if I want, but easy to show if I want ;)

    I never told my Dad I was getting my first one, he was the parent who you listened to. Although I was 19 if he had said no I would not have got it. He said it was ok "it was my body to do what I want with" (also he has lots of tatts too).
    My first 3 meant nothing, but my latest 3 have reasons and I love them the most. I have one each for my Nans that passed away, and a lung cancer ribbon for my Dad which was a surprise for him.

  7. I hope you do get Hanzi/Kanji, because that would be bad-ass. But, you know, not on your ass.

  8. I wonder if somewhere in the world someone has a tattoo of broccoli.

  9. Not knowing where the tattoo will go is all right with me.
    And Lola's comment made me laugh.

  10. YES! I LOVE that Lilly Allen song. I played it on repeat the last time someone was a jackhole to me. It's *so cathartic* :)

    I can't wait for your first tattoo. I'm determined for us to also get one together someday. <3

  11. That Lilly Allen song is awesome! I'm so singing it (to myself) tomorrow. I already know I'll need it.

    I love my tattoo. I only have one (though I want another!)--it's on my ankle and it's an orca surfacing (because they're the wolves of the sea, black and white, and beautifully fierce). My parents quietly freaked out when they finally saw it. I got it about fifteen years ago and I still love it.

  12. Ha, that song rocks! I do the same thing when I'm mad. Usually I don't know how to respond initially, and then later my mouth takes a run through the obscenity dictionary.

  13. Not keen on pain...so not keen tattoos...and nothing pierced but my ears...boring I know. I will be thrilled for you when you get your first tattoo though...and in a strange way, think on it...because broccoli is kind of pretty.

  14. Ok. That should have said...in a strange way, broccoli is kind of pretty.

  15. CAROL, You NEED a tattoo of a Chinese character that you think means "peace" but actually turns out to mean "broccoli" and you NEED it on your lower back. It will give me the best belly laugh ever. :)

  16. I was going to make some witty comment about the tattoo, but I'm still fuming about the lifeguard. Seriously. Glad you took care of it:) PS: No tramp stamps...good call!

  17. DUDE!

    If I did the rose petal tattoo now, I'd be totally copying you. And I hate being derivative. Unless a publisher wants me to be. (Just kidding.)

    But seriously. A flower to which you add petals with each published book is genius.


    What if I promise to get it on my cheekbones. Would that be original?

    DANG. Maybe I'll just go for the broccoli instead.


Make your comment stand out. Use bold words. Or italics. Whatever.