Friday, January 25, 2013

Where I've Been and Why Sometimes I Must Quit the Internet

I was thinking I'd have launched my fresh, new blog by now, like before I posted on The Kindness Project blog again. ... Well. ...  I posted on The Kindness Blog again. (HERE, actually. On Death Eaters and kindness and stuff.)

So. I should relaunch, probably. Hm.

...

Yay? ... YAY! Welcome to my new blog! Carolina Valdez Miller 2.0. Hooray Hooray! HOORAY!

I know. Lame. This celebration reeks. I need a party planner.

But it is pretty, isn't it? Sleek and untainted by a ridiculous coffee cup that has no place on my blog since I generally drink Coke Zero and WTF do drinks have anything to do with anything? I owe Liz Davis a huge thank you for my blog redesign (check out her fabulous new blog while you're at it). I wanted something streamlined with no curly weirdness or dangly things, and one day out of the blue she says, hey take a look, yeah? And I looked and liked and I said DUDE FOR ME? Yeah, for me. I have my own favicon now!! She's awesome like that and now I will hug my new blog until it whimpers. THANK YOU, LIZ IT IS SO PRETTY I JARED LETO LOVE IT.

Okay, so, where have I been, right? Well. I've been...around.

Blogging used to feel more important. Like it used to feel as if it were a necessary part of the on-my-way-to-publication plan. For one thing there's that whole business of establishing a possible-reader base pre-publication which at one time was like THE THING TO DO. And then there was that whole matter of finding others in the same position trying to slog their way through the crazy of publishing in the best way they could. Flailing and treading water feels a little more productive when there are others right beside you. And too, it made this sometimes very lonely business feel a little less lonely.

But. Deep down I'm just a writer. You know? Blogging is a lot of work when you do it right--like with interaction and stuff. And that's hard to do and keep up your writing and your personal life, at least for any length of time without burning out. Throw in the push to actually publish and blogging tends to lose its appeal considerably--sort of like an ice pack that suddenly starts frostbiting the crap out of your sore knee (which I've done, by the way. For real).

Publishing is a tough business. And in some ways a hell of a lot harder to get into when you're also exposed to others who are either failing miserably or succeeding wildly. The failures make you freak like a mother hen living next door to another hen whose chicks just got eaten by a rabid fox. And the successes...well, while they inspire you and make you so glad for others and so excited to be a part of something so exciting...you're also reminded intensely of where you want so much to be and currently are not. The dream unfolds right before your eyes and you see, down to the minutest detail, all the things you want, right there, just out of reach, with all the statistics of possibility also right there screaming YEAH NOT LIKELY, HOMEY. And it becomes not so difficult to get distracted and discouraged and petrified. And then maybe you find ambition broiling into anxiety and insecurity with others either whizzing past you to your intended destination or falling to the ground, choking on their dreams. And suddenly you find yourself in a race you never meant to enter.

The thing is, when you're writing you feel good. Right? You see your words and sometimes you cry because holy crap did I really just write that? Me? My words? Oh my god. But sometimes? Sometimes you get online and get bombarded with so, so much and then you read your own words again and suddenly they don't look the same anymore and then you deflate and flail, kind of limply. It's not always like this, but sometimes, yes. So it goes like this: In your bubble, isolated from ALL THE NOISE you're a freaking rock star. Outside of the bubble you become just a peon in the screaming crowd who can't get freaking tickets to the show.

And to make it as a published writer--to not give up just because it feels like you suck--you have to find a way to silence the noise that drowns the voices in your head whispering how awesome you are. You must be CONFIDENT. You must be PATIENT. And you must BELIEVE it's a reachable dream. Which means you must FOCUS. Focus most on the things that matter most. So I did that, and if I have to I will do it again. Because, man have I been productive and more at peace than ever before, watching movies and going out and coloring and baking and just...normal stuff.

Loved Ones. Writing. Everything else. In that order.

But you know what? In all that time I've spent away, I've been building up a whole lot of things to say. Seriously, you have no idea. I'm exploding. So, consider me BACK. If you stick with me, maybe we can strike up a conversation, like once or week or, you know, something more than never.

I miss this. I miss you.