Monday, November 3, 2014

Finding Home Again

You remember when you moved away from home? Like for that very last time? Maybe you got your first job and moved into your own apartment. Or maybe you got married. Or maybe you left mom and dad and moved into a commune to grow special herbs. And then you went back home to visit, and you were like . . . Oh.

OH.

This place is, like, familiar and stuff. But. It doesn’t fit anymore.

I’ve felt this way a lot in my life. Maybe we all do. That whole growing thing, and all. But in particular, the last couple-three years, my life has experienced a tremendous amount of change. Like WHOA NELLY change. Truth is, I did not see myself here five years ago. I thought I’d have a book out by now, maybe more. I thought I’d still be a full time writer, like I was then, maybe editing some for extra cash, but I imagined that I’d spend most of my free non-writing time either with my kids or baking or preparing for the next holiday or birthday, as I’d done for probably forever.

I did not imagine that I’d be tired all the time, my eyes so grainy and strained, they constantly ache.

I did not imagine that I’d go nearly two years having read only like 1.25 books.

I did not imagine that I’d be working twelve to sixteen hours a day, every day, editing other people’s writing.

I did not imagine I'd experience X, Y, Z, and other traumatic things.

And I certainly did not imagine that I’d go nearly two years without writing anything new.

But I also didn’t imagine that I’d be happy.

For a while there, I was afraid I might not make it to today. Loss became this truly palpable thing. And I came to understand helplessness at its absolute most terrifying worst. Sometimes I had to make the conscious choice to just not let go.

And then I made a new choice, and I started stepping. As in, out of bed. I started stepping, as in, to get dressed. I started stepping, as in, to apply for jobs. And I kept stepping and stepping, in part because I had some pretty amazing people in my life who loved me and climbed down to hell beside me and encouraged me to keep stepping some more, thank god. Thank them. And it got better. And better some more. And even better.

Then one day, even though I knew things still could be better in a lot of ways, it dawned on me that I could not be much happier. I did not know happiness could feel this good. And I began to feel whole again, settling into myself. I was home.

And then something happened. I received an email informing me that I had been given a reading slot at the upcoming World Fantasy Convention.

And I was like . . . Oh . . .

OH SHIT.

I’m not a writer, people. I haven’t been a writer for a long time. This world is familiar, but I don’t fit anymore.

Yet again, I have returned to a place that I once called home. And there's such a longing to stay. But. Fear. Inadequacy. FEAR. I can't do this.

Except. My friends Brad Beaulieu and Derek Silver have graciously, kindly, lovingly agreed to read with me, so that I don't have to read alone.

We're there for you, Brad said. We'll fill the room with happy faces.

So. Okay then. Okay. Deep breath.

We're calling it: Sloshed and Sexy.

Because at least one of us will be downing a shot right before. In fact, all of you are invited to join us, drinks in hand. We'll be reading sex scenes so people will come. To the reading. We can all share a cigarette afterward.

So if you'll be at World Fantasy this year or in the vicinity, hope to see you there.

Friday, November 7, 10 PM, Arlington room.

And thus, I keep stepping and stepping. Finding home again.




15 comments:

  1. Hey Carolina! Good to hear from you.
    Some things we can't go back to. Others are like riding a bike. I bet your reading and writing is like that.
    Good luck, Friday!

    ReplyDelete
  2. wonderful, keep it up all the way, you are the best writer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A big giant hug to you, Carol!
    I so wish I could go and support you. You will be amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is wonderful! You are wonderful. :) I am happy that you're "back." I am happy that you are stepping. <3 Keep on keeping on (and smiling), Lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yaaay, Carol!! I'm happy you're coming back- and you'll fit right back in it, soon enough!! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good to hear from you again, my friend. You may not fit the same way today as you did in the past, but creativity is a wide world with plenty of space--and niches--where a comfortable fit can be found. Hope the reading is more fun than you imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just like the valuable info you provide for your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and test again right here frequently. I'm quite sure I will be told many new stuff right right here! Best of luck for the next!

    http://obattbc.biz/

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love your writing and your insights - you always make me smile. You'll be wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  9. As much as I enjoyed reading this, I didn't. Well, I did, but related too closely to it that I almost stopped. I think where you were three years ago has traveled and made it's way to me. Loads of life just keeps getting in the way. I think I'm concentrating too much on that and how it's infiltrating my writing time/career, instead of just living in the now. Thank you for sharing this. Hopefully, someday soon, I'll be able to let go of things and stand up like you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are simply an amazing person, Carol. I wish I could have been there. So bad. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Carol.
    I hope the happy is sticking around for you.

    I don't know anyone who is more worthy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm glad to hear you are finding time to write again. My life has been so hectic this year. I did finish a novel, but only sent it to one agent after she made some revision suggestions. :( I haven't heard back from her, so I guess it's time to do some querying. I started editing professionally after doing it for an agent for about six months. I'm loving it, but don't want to lose myself in it and forget my writing time.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You probably won't read this, Carolina, or even remember me. But I have missed you at my blog. Life drifts people apart -- especially in cyber-space. So I am just saying -- I pray that life is treating you well and MERRY CHRISTMAS! :-)

    ReplyDelete

Make your comment stand out. Use bold words. Or italics. Whatever.